The Touch you Can't Feel
by Xenocryst
Summary: From the beginning, Nanoha loved Fate. Realising it was hard, Confessing was harder but more than that, not being able to tell her how you really feel was the hardest and most painful.
1. Chapter 1: So Why?

A/N: Hey guys! I'm ALIVE!

Sorry for all my broken promises. I had exams and now they're over, so I can get back to writing. I really should continue my other fics but this idea was bugging me through the whole of exams and well it had to be written.

I will try and update a chapter for each of my fic as soon as possible. I'll update more frequently, so don't give up on me…please.

I hope you can give this a try and tell me your thoughts.

Thank you. So Much.

**The Touch you can't Feel **

Chapter 1: So Why?

So why?

Nanoha was never the one to dwell. When she wanted something she would never give up and her determination would eventually bring her to want she wanted. This was especially true when it came to a certain blonde.

She was nine and she had never desired anything. She was content with whatever she was presented with, watching her family and friends safe and happy. She was always the one that wanted nothing for herself but the well-being for the ones she loved, heck, even people who despised her kind nature.

But everything changed when she met Yunno Scrya, the ferret who taught her the existence of magic and her unlimited potential to be something she never thought of. Even then, she didn't really want anything; sure she wanted to save the poor ferret and blindly dived straight into the world of magic, but it wasn't for herself.

But it was the right decision.

It certainly was magic.

That inevitable encounter.

Because, Nanoha met Fate, her fate. As soon as her azure eyes locked onto empty yet alluring burgundy eyes, her life changed, and a graving desire burned within her.

She wanted her. She needed her.

Back then, she never knew what it meant, and her innocent mind decided that the desire was because she wanted to be friends with the girl, save her from her seemingly lonesome life.

Of course, that was part of it. But what she was unaware of was her selfish desire to become closer to the blonde that would inexorably burn brighter with every glance.

She sought all ways to befriend the lone wolf and after insufferable events, and excruciating secrets she succeeded.

They became best friends, secrets were shared and forever was never enough.

But it was not until the first high school year on Valentine's day when Nanoha finally realised her selfish desires involving the one and only person or thing she ever wanted.

Her best friend's locker was stuffed with love letters, which made the brunette clench her teeth in anger. She never understood why or what she was feeling, but that fire within her ignited every time Fate interacted with another and grew stronger each day.

Stumbling into class, it didn't stop. She just stood beside her best friend, while Fate was handed chocolates, one after another in a never-ending line. Each smile Fate flashed to her classmate pained her and suddenly she felt like she couldn't breathe. Her eyes became blurry and she wanted desperately to leave. She could feel the tears welling up, and the last thing she wanted was being seen by the blonde.

But even before that, Fate saw her, and instantly her best friend knew something was wrong.

When they walked home together, Fate consoled Nanoha, unaware of the source of the tears and melancholy. Fate was patient, and respected her best friend's privacy but nevertheless she did everything to make Nanoha smile.

Of course Fate succeeded.

As they walked hand in hand, they passed a cat stuck in a tree. Without hesitancy, the blonde climbed the tree, temporarily forgetting her ability of magic. As the blonde grabbed the cat, she flashed a charming wide smile to Nanoha.

Then it clicked. Nanoha understood.

It was this smile, this kindness, this sensitivity, this selflessness, this beauty, this love for everything that Nanoha wanted for herself.

She understood….she had always loved Fate.

Another life changing event was Nanoha's near death experience. She had lost the ability to walk, even worst….to fly and it took every ounce of her will power to not just give up, and remain with her disability. Her only source of will power was her best friend, who shared tears and pain with her, day and night.

She saw in her eyes of her best friend, that she was more in pain then Nanoha could ever be in. The bags under her best friend's beautiful eyes, the paler face and the sudden lost in weight brought Nanoha back to reality. She couldn't give up, her life didn't belong only to her, it was her family's, friends and most importantly, it belonged to Fate.

Nanoha was never the one to dwell. So why, even after they graduated did she not have the courage to tell her best friend the truth, the truth to why she acted the way she did. The reason why she felt whole, the reason why she was happy.

They shared a room, but more crucially Nanoha shared the same bed as her secret love. As much as it was comfortable, it was painful. Seeing Fate so close every night made her realise what she could lose if she blurted out her secret or the fact that one day, Fate would belong to someone else.

It pained her every day.

So why did she keep it a secret.

Nanoha soon met Vivio, and together with Fate they created a family. It was all she dreamed of, those simple words mouthed by the five year old girl sent shivers down Nanoha's spine every time. Nanoha mama, Fate mama.

They were a family.

But not long after, Nanoha was sleeping in an empty bed every night.

Fate was engrossed in her missions, taking off for months and returning with poorly hidden lacerations and bruises. It broke Nanoha's heart. Every night she would let herself wander into the depths of negativity, crying herself to sleep.

She missed her best friend too much.

So why, hadn't she said anything. Maybe if she said something, the blonde would stay.

She decided to stay silent, sending her lover off to her mission with a pained smile, promising herself that as soon as Fate came back, she would voice everything she had ever wanted since she was nine.

But

That chance never came.

She was too late.

"_Fate's not coming back" _

Those words didn't register, it never did. She wouldn't let it.

It was raining and it didn't register as to why she was standing in front of a tombstone with her lover's name engraved onto it. It didn't make sense.

Why was the only person she wanted, the only thing she lost in her entire life.

The answer was simple.

It was because Nanoha stayed silent.

_I love you. _

Maybe if she hadn't dwelled and said those three simple words earlier…

Fate would've never left.

Just maybe.

_**10 years later. **_

Picking an illegal parking spot in a hurry, the short haired brunette glanced out her window, faintly making out the figure of her best friend in the rain. It was dark, the moon was out and like every other year, Nanoha sat in rain for the entire day. Her soft blue eyes staring solely on the gravestone in front of her as she whispered soft words while streams of tears descended from her cheeks.

It wasn't a rare sight for Hayate, but it was certainly the most painful one.

The short haired brunette grabbed her umbrella and ran towards her best friend, covering her from the rain. Nanoha didn't turn around, probably unaware of the sheltering.

Hayate looked painfully. Not once since the passing of the blonde, had Nanoha once looked happy. She had tried everything, even insisted on Nanoha and Vivio to live with her, leaving the room, which bought back the harshness of reality. The brunette refused, putting on a brave front at day, but Hayate knew at night, on the bed they once shared, she broke.

Lightning stroke at that instance; bringing Hayate back to Nanoha, who hadn't moved an inch. She set eyes onto the gravestone and then back and Nanoha, then before her thought could process, she looked again at the gravestone.

Her eyes widen.

Fate.

In front of the gravestone was Fate. No, not the engraved name….but Fate, herself, attired in her Barrier Jacket. Her legs were crossed, mimicking Nanoha's posture and her back leaned back onto the gravestone comfortably as if she had been there all day, listening attentively to Nanoha's words.

Hayate gasped.

"F-F-Fattee" The brunette shivered as she pointed to the transparent figure. Her umbrella dropped and was carried away by the wind. Nanoha glanced at Hayate and gave her a stoic look.

"You're here." She stated calmly before setting her eyes back onto the grave.

"N-Nanoha….F-Fate…can you see F-Fate?" Her mouth trembled, not wanting to take her eyes off the transparent figure of her best friend.

"Are you joking with me? Because I'm not in the mood. Hayate." Nanoha gave a tired glare at her and resettled her eyes back onto the grave. "If you're going to make fun of me, please leave."

Hayate didn't know what was more frightening, Nanoha's cold tone, or the figure in front of her.

As her eyes widen, Fate's figure spoke up.

"You can see me?"

Hayate unconsciously nodded, her eyes stayed fixated on to the sight.

She studied those soft burgundy eyes, which sought out Nanoha's before standing up, her feet not touching the ground.

Seeing the soft gaze, Hayate stance relaxed. She wasn't sure but something within that gaze told her that this was Fate…this was the genuine kind Fate who looked at Nanoha with more love than one can muster in their lifetime.

Fate smiled. "Hayate, come with me."

The short haired brunette followed, tears began to well up and she gazed onto the blonde's transparent back.

They settled near a tree several metres away from the gravestone.

The blonde scratched her hair. "Um…I'm Fate. So…don't be scared."

Hayate couldn't contain her laughter. "I know, but I can't help being scared….I'm seeing my best friend, in a different form, but my best friend after 10 years. Of course I'm scared…heck you might even be a devil in disgui-"

The brunette stopped and pinched herself hard.

She wasn't dreaming nor was she hallucinating….right?

"Ghosts aren't real though…" Hayate thought aloud.

"The blonde rolled her eyes. "Seriously, Hayate. If magical girls, familiars' and perverted brunette girls exist, it isn't that surprising that Ghosts do too. "

"Hey! I'm not perverted."

Fate dropped her smile, and her gaze was filled with sincerity as she spoke in a plaintive tone. "Hayate" She brought her eyes towards Hayate's.

"It really is me."

"I know." Wiping away her tears, Hayate snickered. "You were looking at Nanoha with such love it wasn't really that hard."

Her hands reached out to Fate to touch her, but all that she felt was the cold air that travelled towards her heart searing it in pain and grief.

Tears streamed down the brunette's face. "I really missed you Fate….so much."

Fate smiled. "I missed you too. Hayate."

**Chapter End **

A/N: I hope that was okay.

Okay, I will try my hardest to deliver chapters of my other fics!

See you soon.


	2. Chapter 2: The way things are

**The Touch you can't Feel **

Chapter 2 – The way things are

The brunette glanced at her rear view mirror, catching a glimpse at her dripping wet, apathetic best friend. Her heart fell, and her hands tightened to the steering wheel. Her eyes landed on Fate, and the sight pained her even more. The blonde girl was desperately trying to warm Nanoha up, but failed. Incapable of touching, Fate leaned in and opted to whisper words of comfort and love to the shivering brunette. Her longing eyes of frustration and melancholy filtered through the short haired brunette and forced her eyes shut, tearing back the cries inside.

Hayate looked back at the dark road. How long has Fate been beside Nanoha? Ever since Fate's death, Nanoha took on a sort of defence mechanism whenever she was around others. Everyone thought she had recovered from the blonde's passing, as she gleefully taught her students and presented herself in a way that almost seemed too normal. Having been with Nanoha, for nearly all her life, Hayate understood that this was Nanoha's way of coping, and the fact that the now 29 year old single mother, had made no progress in recovery from Fate.

It was clear to Hayate that Nanoha was _dying_ inside, every day.

Nanoha never took any days off work, except for one day, the same day every year. The day Fate left her.

Nanoha had grown accustomed to spending the day, settled next to Fate's tombstone and forgetting the world. This day was the day, Nanoha let everything out, the pain, the memories, the tears and the love.

And every year, Hayate could only watch at the sidelines, feeling useless.

(The Touch you can't Feel)

"No. Vivio. It's dark and it's raining. You will stay at Einhart's for tonight. I'll look after Nanoha." Hayate sternly commanded over the phone.

"You don't understand. Nanoha-mama needs me. She needs me. I need to get home. The heterochromatic eyed teenager urged as her tone of desperation increased.

"I do understand. Heck, I'm her best frie-"

"I'm her daughter. She needs me tonight. Hayate…please."

Hayate massaged her temples with the index fingers and sighed. "Vivio…"

"You really don't understand. Nanoha-mama, she has these horrible nightmares at night, and she screams and –"

Hayate watched through the slit of the bedroom door as Fate kneeled beside Nanoha's bed. Those burgundy eyes darkened as she attempted to pull the covers over Nanoha, but failed and instead just passed through the materialistic object.

"Are you even listening?...Fine. I'll just fly home, and don't even think of stopping me. I'm old enough."

Holding in another sigh, the brunette knew the teenager was right. Nanoha needed her. She scowled knowing that she couldn't do anything. Tightening her grip on the phone, Hayate once again massaged her temple.

"I'm coming." Hayate bluntly stated. "I'll pick you up in 5 minutes."

"Thanks."

_**The Touch you can't Feel**_

The curtains were drawn, and the door was now slammed shut. No glimpse of light entered the bedroom, aptly mirroring the empty, and heavy sentiment that sat dangerously in both hearts.

Curled up in a fetus position on Fate's side of the bed, pools of tears flooded the blankets. Nanoha's hands were gripped tightly to Fate's old enforcer jacket as her head buried deep within it, hoping to grasp a feeling, a lingering scent, anything that proved that Fate was here.

The hovering ghost brought herself to the ground, kneeling beside her partner. Bringing her hands to caress Nanoha's cheeks, she realised the brunette's short pants and flushed cheeks. Unconsciously moving her hand to Nanoha's forehead, she grunted as her hands passed through. Her head shook in fear and distress as she sped through the closed door, in search for Hayate, or anyone.

Her mind was filled with anger and worry, as she remembered where Hayate was. Moving into the bedroom once again, she attempted to fumble with the towel in the bathroom. "Come on! Come on!" She growled whilst her hand hopelessly passed through the hand towel. "Please!" After numerous tries, her arms dropped limply to her side. Fate pulled her hand back in frustration, curled it into a fist and subconsciously pulling an action that would seem she was going to punch the wall. However, even that failed as her hand travelled through the wall.

"Please…" Fate softly whimpered.

A soft whimper brought Fate back from her anger, and she rushed back next to Nanoha's bed.

Nanoha's erratic breathing combined with the sweat dropping from her forehead was enough to bring Fate into a panic. She was about to leave the room when she heard yet another soft whisper.

"Fate…" Her name resounded in her head and it was said with such desperation that she knew if she looked back she wouldn't be able to hold back the tears. Who knew ghost could cry right? She brought her head to the ceiling, intending to stop the threatening tears but failed as the next words escaped Nanoha's lips.

"Why did you leave me?"

Fate's head spun around and she brought herself back to Nanoha's side. Her desire to comfort the brunette was brought the naught as she once again attempted to grasp hold of her.

"I'm sorry. So sorry. So so sorry." Fate clenched her teeth in anger and despair. "Sorry….sorry….T-the only thing I want is for you to be happy, but I can't do anything, to do that. The only thing I've done is made you suffer….Nanoha, I'm sorry."

Unable to hear her words, the own response given was a tighter grip onto the jacket. "Nanoha…"

_**The Touch you can't feel **_

"What do you mean by nightmares?" Hayate asked as she watched Vivio unlock the door.

"Nightmares. Nanoha mama…she….screams and cries Fate-mama's name, and it's worst around the time of …Fate-mama's death."

The door swung open, and Hayate was met with a loud and echoing, "DAMMIT!" Unconsious of Vivio beside her, Hayate replied. "Fate?!" The teenager turned her head to look at the brunette with ah quizzical look.

"What did you say?"

Without answering, Hayate ran towards Nanoha's room and turned on the lights finding her shivering best friend clutching tightly to a white jacket. She pulled herself to Nanoha, when Fate rushed out from the bathroom.

"H-Hayate! N-N-Nanohha, she has a fever, and I can't do anything. She needs medical attention right away. Please Hayate, please!"

The brunette brought her hand towards Nanoha's forehead, and panicked. "Nanoha, you need to go to her hospit-"

"Leave me alone." A coarse, raspy voice interrupted.

"Nanoha! You have to go-"

"Stop it. If Nanoha-mama doesn't want to, don't make her." Vivio entered the room, as she bolted straight towards her mother.

"Vivio, she has a fev-"

"You don't understand Hayate." Vivio glared at the woman. "Please, just grab a wet towel for mama."

Without another word, Hayate did just that. As she passed Fate, her gaze dropped lower and she saw Fate's clenched fist.

Bringing the wet towel to Vivio, Hayate caught the blonde's eyes once again, and saw a disturbing sense of regret and shame. She stood up and walked next to her best friend, reaching to place a warm supportive hand on her shoulder to realise that it wasn't possible. Her hand dropped limply to her side again.

A whisper from a cracked voice shuddered the brunette. "Hayate, I'm completely useless." She side glanced Fate as her tone flared in increasing anger. "I'm so damn useless I can't even grab a bloody towel for her. I can't make her feel better. I can't do anything except watch her suffer because of me."

"Fate…"

"Because of me." The blonde whispered again, her voice dimmed and her eyes darkened.

Hayate looked up, matching Fate's eyes, holding her in a soft stare. "Look, it isn't your fault. Nanoha isn't the only one suffering. I am too. We just need to work it out, it's going to be fin-"

"If it was that damn easy, I would've done something already. I've been here for 10 fucking years and every damn day I watch Nanoha wanting to kill herself and I can't even pick up a stupid towel!" Hayate's eyes widen and gulped. Fate had never cursed, it was one of those things that seemed forbidden for the kind and delicate blonde. It was just that, that made the brunette realise the inner anger and self-hatred the blonde had conjured up all these years, as she watch Nanoha suffer helplessly.

Fate's eyes were a colour that held a stark contrast to the light. This was the face of a woman who had lost all hope and suffered more pain than her death, which involved flying fire arrows and overflowing blood.

Obvious to anyone that could see her, Fate was desperate.


End file.
